Andrea's+Responses

The Quarries by Alex Donovan I really liked the build up to the quarries and how spur of the moment the decision to go was. I also liked how you told how uncharacteristic it was to jump off a 50 ft rock. Maybe you could describe your experience of the actual jump more. Or the feeling of trying to reach the surface of the water when you land to show more then tell. Also you mention the rock pile and maybe you could describe the view from the top? I liked the description of the tadpoles and how scary they were. It was very easy to read, good job!

La Paloma Ave by Emily Mastrogiacomo Good description of the uniqueness of the neighborhood. I also liked the description of your and your sister's walk home from the grocery store. It was very funny. You talk about the character of the shops but it would be better if you described the character rather than just stating that they had character. Also check some of your sentences for repetition because sometimes you use a certain word too frequent. Your last paragraph is a very good reflection of your time in California. Good Job!!

Music A definition of Me and My Personality by Alec Avery I really liked that you showed your passion for music in general. You can tell by the way you describe the different types of music that you have discovered your own reasoning for liking each unique genre. The topic sentence of your second paragraph is about how you like a variety of friends but your next sentence says what you like about rap so you should either change your topic sentence or put the part about rap and explanations of different types of music in a different paragraph. What i mean is keep your paragraphs focused on the topic sentence. Some of your paragraphs seem thrown together so try to organize your thoughts a little more clearly. Also you could make your conclusion a little longer. Your essay was very interesting to read and i liked it alot!